Tears, tantrums, and decisions

Today's run - such as it was - was a disaster.  I only managed to run/walk for 3.5 miles before I gave up and came home.  The mid-hamstring muscle tweak seemed to be okay, but the hamstring tendon (which is what is causing the pain behind my knee) was not.  It faded in and out for two miles but was more of a dull ache than a pain.  However, at two miles it was hurting enough that I walked the next half-mile.  I ran/walked the next mile and even thought for a brief time that everything had settled down but a sudden 'ping' at the back of my knee brought me to a standstill.  Enough was enough.

I could have forced myself to carry on but there didn't seem to be any point.  It took me almost an hour to cover this distance, I wasn't enjoying it, and piling more stress on an already stressed-out tendon wasn't going to get me anything except a more serious injury.  I womanfully held back my tears on the walk home but gave full vent to them once I was safely indoors.  I can't describe how devastating it feels to think that I might not be able to do this.  Well, actually I could describe it but I won't.  It'll just start me crying again and I'm trying to think positively - and realistically - now.

I figure that it still will be possible to do the marathon as long as I'm back running within another week or so.  Bassman thinks that I should be at the start line no matter what and, even if I have to walk the whole way, it still would be worth it.  I disagree.  I've accepted that I'm going to be slow, but if I can't fit in enough training to get me safely around the course, then I'll defer my entry until next year.  We can go to London anyway (mainly because I can't get my money back for the flights and hotel), but I really don't think that I want to be anywhere that brings me into contact with runners.  It'll be a nice weekend in London, but that's all.

And there are other races.  There are lots of half-marathons this summer and even some marathons later in the year that I could enter when I'm healthy again.  I won't let the last five months' efforts go to waste and, more importantly, I won't let my rediscovered love of running fade away.

That sounds so mature, doesn't it.  And I'm sure that I'll even come to believe it.  Just not tonight.